Sea Snakes (2009)
Some time early on in his career, Luke Perry fucked the wrong studio executive’s wife. How else can you explain his inability to parlay his early 90′s momentum into any semblance of a movie career? The guy was off the charts entertaining as Dylan Mckay on Beverly Hills 90210, getting better the more ridiculous the show got. That led to a small part in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then his first leading role, the poorly received rodeo movie, 8 Seconds. After that, a small part in The Fifth Element and then no major releases, just a bunch of made for tv or straight to video projects like Sea Snakes (also known as Silent Venom). Such is the life of a one dimmensional former teen idol.
Luke, how many years until you're on Dancing With The Stars?
Sea Snakes opens on the Chinese island of Manku. Two reasearch scientists are stationed there conducting classified experiments on snakes for the military. One of them is the super hot Krista Allen, best known for dating George Clooney and getting naked in the Emmanuelle movies on Skinemax. I’m not saying a hot chick can’t be a scientist but Krista is miscast here. She delivers all her lines, even the scientific mumbo jumbo, like Ginger from “Gilligan’s Island”. Her assistant is a kind of sleazy guy named Jake (Louis Mandylor, the less usccesful of the marginally succesful Mandylor brothers). They are cross mating snakes, the result being snakes that grow at a rapid pace and are very aggressive. It seems that the venom can be sued to help create a vaccine that can protect soldiers.
Krista Allen: If they keep growing, we might have a serious problem on our hands.
Um, yeah. Ya think? While Jake is out with two local handlers, a snake gets out of it’s cage and bites one of them. They all run off in different directions. We don’t see the bitten handler again. The other handler ends up by the river and is then eaten by an absolutely enourmous cartoon looking snake.
Elsewhere, on a military base, Luke Perry is introduced as a Luetenant Commander looking for forced retirement. The Admiral (played by Academy Award nominee Tom Berenger) lets him know that could result in a court marshall or dishonorary discharge. It doesn’t matter, Luke, who in his classic “loner” with a chip on his shoulder mode, wants out. Seems that he caught some shit for disobeying some rules because they would have put his men in danger. Berenger let’s him know if he does one more mission for them, he’ll be able to get out with full retirement benefits and there will be no charges. It doesn’t matter what it it is, Luke’s in. Pretty much like when a script shows up at his front door. All he has to do is deliver a submarine from Taiwan to Okinawa.
Back on the island, Jake returns to the tent, freaking out. He tells Krista that a snake got out and he doesn’t know what happend to the others. He also let’s her know that he’s not thrilled about being there. When Krista asks him why he even bothered to come, clearly she doesn’t know that guys will do anything to be a lone on an island with a smoking hot chick and that includes handling mutant, poisonous snakes.
She puts the nipple in science.
Luke Perry commands a sub just like he rides a bull, not very convincigly and there are no live weapons on board. Back at the base, a bunch of military guys learn that the Chinese Navy will be heading toward the island where the snake experiments are being done. And since we have to protect our military secrets, the scientists must be picked up from the island. The closest ship in the area? Here’s a hint: It’s commander has awesome sideburns.
As far as the snakes go, Krista Allen is ordered to keep 2 male and 2 female, the rest of the snakes will be gassed. And to due to the top secret nature of the experiments, they cannot tell the sub crew about them. Instead of gassing the extra snakes, Jake gets greedy and packs them in a seperate case, thinking he can get a lot of money for them. Once on the sub, the guys on the crew go predictably nuts about having a hot chiock on board. And one very curious crewman just has to see what’s in at least one of the crates.
He’s immediately bitten by one of them and the others get out (not the big snakes, they are locked up seperately). This dude is in bad shape by the time they find him and get him to sick bay. They don’t know what caused it, but his nervous system is shutting down and since they don’t have the proper equipment, they can’t run any real tests. They just think he’s sick and maybe got something when he was on the island.
Perry informs Krista Allen that somebody got sick and asks how she is feeling. She says she’s fine and moments later asks the quintissential hot chick in a movie question…Can I take a shower? Unfortunately, this doesn’t lead to anything, at least not in the version of the Sci Fi Network.
Another guy gets bitten and has a seizure. Jake realize the snakes have escaped. He doesn’t tell the sub guys but he does tell Krista Allen that he brought 20 extra snakes on board and they are all loose. She tells him he’s a douchebag and then she’s off to tell Luke Perry. On the way, she’s surrounded by snakes but gets away. When she finally tells him, it turns out that he hates snakes! What are the chances, really? So original. Krista also gives a quick lesson in Snake 101:
- They only attack if provoked
- They gravitate towards heat
- You don’t know how the body will react to anti-venom
I think she was telling us how we can save ourselves from those snakes but I was too busy staring at her ass.
The cook gets it next, although he does manage to hack one of the snakes with a cleaver.
Luke Perry proves he can still step up to the plate and knock one out of the park when given the chance.
Luke Perry: These snakes never should have been brought on board my sub. Not without telling me. I don’t care what your orders were.
All that was missing there were the cheesy 90210 guitars to puncuate it. And like Brenda and Kelly before her, Krista Allen can only give the trademark “Dylan Mckay just put me in my place and I’m simultaneously angry and turned on” face
Oh and by the way, there’s still the matter of the Chinese naval maneuvers. The sub tries to stay way from them since it could result in an unprovoked attack. In order to make less noise, they turn down the blowers. This will cool the ship (and if you were paying attention in Snake 101, you know they gravitate towards heat). So they are more likely to remain spread about the sub. The Chinese shoot a torpedo at the sub, but Master Commander Luke Perry is able to outrun it. The Chinese Naval sub leaves to avoid retaliation. Perry and Co. now have a clear path to Okinawa.
But there’s a new problem: The remaining giant snakes are loose. And courtesy of two of them, the black guy is the next to go. However, you have to credit the filmmakers for not having him be the first to go as in most movies.
The two remaining bottles of anti-venom are missing and everybody suspects Jake. And they’re right. But before he can use them, he’s bitten by a small snake and then the big snakes come in to finish the job. When Krista Allen finds him later, she is able to maneuver through a bunch of snakes to pick up the anti-venom bottles.
Snakes continure to bite people. Instead of biting Krista Allen, a bunch of them just hang out on her, which is completely understandable. Perry, who has continued to remind us he hates snakes, is able to rescue her by expertly pulling the snakes off her. It totally looks like they are gonna make out during this sequence, but they don’t. They make a clean getaway but on the way out, Krista steps on a snake and it bites her. Luke Perry shoots some snakes.
I have another snake for you, it also grows rapidly when provoked.
Luke goes back to steer the ship and while he’s addressing the crew, one of the giant cartoon snakes comes up behind him. These snakes look faker than Tara Reid’s tits. They have a ridiculous fight that Luke eventualy wins by electrocuting the snake. And once again reminds the audience and everyone: “Snakes, I hate them.”
And that’s pretty much it. They get to Okinawa, Krista Allen goes to the hospital for snake bites. Luke Perry visits her there and despite her looking at him like he’s a diamond and gold enrusted penis, they never hook up. He gets on a plane home to see his daughter and there is another passenger on the plane…….A snake!!!!!!
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